At last, we meet!
SJP's insufferable speech, Taylor Swift shenanigans, and a historic win for the Knicks.
Art by Paul from NZ
🎧 This Week’s Happenings
Moments before we hit ‘send’ on this week’s Substack, in came this masterpiece from The Nerve’s official house artist Paul from New Zealand. This artwork is inspired by each and every Troublemaker countering Meghan, or Meghan’s minions (just our opinion!), who we suspect may be active in our comments section, attempting to discredit the initial Troublemaker report that there’s a port-a-potty company named Markle’s. [MC: More proof that fortune smiles upon The Nerve!]
We know that there is, because you Troublemakers picked up the slack for our overworked lead investigator Teddy Van Halen, and lo and behold: Markle’s Pumping Service is real! Here’s Paul’s improved version, named ‘The Porcelain Throne of Markle’ by Troublemaker Pam:
Hey — she wanted a throne, right? Look closely for Sussex toilet paper (also real), the divorce timeline tacked to the door, the As Ever long matches on the shelf above the toilet, and — the piece de résistance — the shitballs she tracked home all the way from Coogee Beach, Australia! 🤣☠️🤣💩
Back to The Nerve’s hottest segments of this week: we’ll spare you the metaphorical throat-clearing and get straight to this week’s SJP-inspired greeting [hand pressed to chest and best ingratiating, toothy smile: At last, we meet! [Again, because we’re all at the Substack at the end of every Friday.]
Our favorite sprightly 900-year-old heroine donned a cap, gown, tassel, beret [no mortar board for this sassy fashionista!], stilettos, and a truly unfortunate purple manicure before taking the stage as Northwestern’s commencement speaker. Sarah Jessica Parker needs a good editor and a lesson in humility — two things she probably could have found among the graduates forced to sit through her excruciating address. Somehow, a speech meant to celebrate their future became an extended meditation on Sarah Jessica Parker. Not the graduates. Not the future. Just SJP. As she droned on for more than twenty minutes in her best Carrie Bradshaw cutesy voice [Big! Big! Big!], Team Nerve mobilized to get the Pizza Hat out of storage. [MC: Alas, we were too late for taping! And I was kicking myself, because I accidentally left Teddy’s mini-version, which I could wear in a pinch, at home. No matter — we all know both are going in The Nerve Wing at The Smithsonian.]
Fresh from befouling Madison Square Garden during The Knicks’ epic run, Taylor Swift sprouted like the bad weed she is to accept yet another award, this one at the Songwriters Hall of Fame. Yes, this humble girl from a Christmas tree farm just couldn’t believe it, you guys! She reportedly handed her iPhone to none other than Steven Spielberg — not her usual handbag carrier, Travis — and asked, in sum and substance, ‘Why don’t you make yourself useful?’ Something tells us Travis will be hearing this refrain not long after the wedding day. When Taylor Swift makes Chama-lama-ding-dong’s courtside antics look charming by comparison, you’ve got a problem.
To contrast all this celebrity self-regard, we leave you with an actual quote worth remembering. After the Knicks climbed their way out of 30-point deficits in the last seconds of Games 4 and 5, MVP Jalen Brunson summed up their historic win in eight words: ‘Whenever someone counted us out, we found a way.’
Nerve HQ just may adopt this as our new motto. What do you think, Troublemakers? Should we hang it over the entrance to The Woodshed? Or would that only encourage the likes of, say, psycho arsonist Ryan Reynolds?
Keep reading for another breaking Pupdate! from Teddy Van Halen [MC: Troublemakers — tell me what you think of the new investigative division we may open], behind-the-scenes bloopers and intel, Maureen’s note and recs, and more!
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